Today I want a tell you a little story about forgiveness. JK. This is a story about someone who fucked me over, big time, and then did it again. And I let him. I want to repeat myself, this is not to demean anyone in the story, as they’re most likely not the same person they were then, I’m sure I’m not. These stories are all to give you all a little insight into how much of an idiot I am.
I was an asshole and an idiot. I forgot about the asshole part until I remembered how this story started. A guy, who is the center of this anecdote, came into my life like a wrecking ball (and not in the Miley Cyrus romantic-licking-a-hammer kind of way). We had known each other for a while, been friendly. We hung out in the same stoner area in college (I was not a stoner, but I studied English Lit, so yeah). For some reason one day we ended up alone in the area we call “El Teatro” and just talked for, like, ever. Me, being the nosey person that I am, asked him very personal questions right off the bat. I distinctly remember asking him how many of the girls who hung out there he had hooked up with, because I knew there were more than just a few. I also didn’t give a flying fuck about boundaries. To this day I think asking outrageous questions is the realest way to get to know someone. For some reason, he wasn’t offended, more like fascinated.
Coincidentally – and this is where me being an asshole comes in – a friend of mine, whom I will give no name to, was also interested in him. Of note: she was interested in him in a far away kind of interest. Like the guy you think is cute in your Behavioral Sciences class, but would never date unless he went out of his way to do so. BUT it doesn’t excuse what I did, it was dickish and sucky and just wrong. GIRL CODE, DAMN IT.
I went into this knowing I was moving to Boston when I graduated, which was about seven months away. So we were dating. He was interesting and smart, kind of haughty and pedantic, but usually with other people so I was okay with it (I usually found it kinda sexy). But then shit happened…
I didn’t trust him. And ladies and gentlemen, I want to advise you to NEVER DO WHAT I DID (and I will tell you why*). I didn’t trust him so I went through his phone (RUDE AF). And of course, I found a few things that sucked here and there, nothing too horrendous, but then I hit the mother load. And it was the worst kind of blow. Unfortunately, this is too personal beyond my life and affects others, so I won’t go into detail. But I will just say, he cheated on me and more. Now that, ladies and gents, sucked dick. It sucked mostly because it hurt my pride. What did she have that I didn’t? Why is he looking for more? Why why why why. And THIS is why cheating is awful.
I packed a bag and he begged for forgiveness. We were months away from breaking up anyway and I enjoyed his company enough so I stayed.
Our relationship continued seemingly well.
Until again, I didn’t trust him. And I went through his phone again. And there she was, AGAIN.
They had made plans to meet etcetcetc. Needless to say, WTF.
Now, let me retrace my steps. Remember when I told you I didn’t trust him and saw that he had cheated and forgave him? This is where I have a confession to make. I forgave him the first time in large part because I had also “cheated” on him around the time he had “cheated” on me. I wasn’t even sure if we had even cheated on each other since we had been “together” nearly two months at the time. Although, like I said, what he did was worse than cheating, but I like I said, I won’t get into it.
This time, though, I had been faithful. And it made me doubt myself beyond the first time around. It made me doubt myself as a woman, sexually. Which sucks a lot for someone is so open about sexuality. Or for anyone honestly.
Although the relationship had an expiration date, I at least expected a level of respect. And I did not receive it.
I told him I forgave him, because at this point we were less than two months away from me moving away. And I’m really bad with confrontation AKA breakups. So, I was 2x an idiot and stayed AGAIN (HALP).
I remember my last weeks, where I had pulled away almost entirely. He kept trying to reach me. Did nice things for me. It was too late though. So women/men, realize that we all have a limit. No body, brain, soul was made to endure such abuse. Things snowball and when you realize, it’s too late, and the resentment is TOO MUCH.
NEVER LET IT GET THERE. Communicate, and if that doesn’t work, move on. Because a relationship between two people who loved each other should never end with both parties hating each other and that’s what happens when you let shit snowball.
*LADIES AND MEN ALIKE – NEVER EVER CHECK YOUR PARTNER’S PHONES. I will tell you why, “El que busca encuentra”. Translates to “he/she whom seeks, will find”. You will ALWAYS find something to pick at and argue about. If you aren’t trusting your partner enough to want to check their phone, then something is wrong and you need to address it before you even THINK about actually doing it. I, for one, have now learned to either trust my partner blindly or break it up. It’s not worth the doubt and the questioning and the fighting.
I hope I have depicted myself correcly as the idiot and asshole that I was back then.
Oh and after I told my friend about how well the relationship turned out, she forgave me. Ok, I’m lying, she had already forgiven me, but she did thank me!
Sooooo, there was my anecdote for today. Hope you all enjoyed!
Ilustration is by Carrie Hartman